Its that time of year when we all want to glam ourselves up, don the high heels and look our best. Invariably indulging in a few too many Ports, and glasses of wine, buoyed by the perfectly acceptable line, "Its Christmas; Ye, I'll have one more!"
Women are awfully and commonly full of the bravado when armed with a stiff drink and a pair of expensive shoes, we feel on top of the world, and it seems we let our good sense leave the building and naughty things happen... The office party; that once a year opportunity to tell the handsome quiet chap in accounts you've had a crush on him since he started, or to tell your recently divorced boss you think his wife must have been mad to leave him... We also run into past loves and conquests, as bizarrely the cold weather and the mulled wine draws us out of our homes.
Christmas cheer seems to get us in a spin, I know it has done me in the past. In fact a few years ago at a huge Christmas party, I made some bad mistakes and by Christmas day thought my marriage might be well and truly over... All over mistletoe, wine and Christmas Spirit! tut tut tut....
So why do we do it? Why does Christmas make us go a little bit bonkers? We overspend, we over-shop, we over indulge, we fall out with family and generally become a more irrational and silly version of ourselves for about a month!
Look at Love Actually, Briget Jones; whole films about the crazy stuff people do at Christmas. And although deeply funny, romantic and charming, somehow only totally believable because its Christmas time. No other time of the year would we throw such caution to the wind and behave with such reckless abandonment.
I've received inappropriate texts and emails on Christmas day, and in the past sent a few too- surely Christmas day can't be the only day of the year when its acceptable to tell someone how you feel, without consequences?!
Christmas eve, before I was married, used to be the biggest "hook up" night of the year, anything goes... You see all your old school crushes in your local pub when everyone returns home to their family homes for the Christmas holidays, and before you know it, you're snogging your sexy Physics teacher from senior school in the pub car-park! (Yes I did!)
So, whats the answer, should we let this holiday roll by, full of bad judgement, tipsy kisses, and hefty credit card bills, leading to that well known thing called a January Hangover? Mmmm, yes!
But, from past experience, here's a few things I wish I HAD said at Christmas when the mulled wine short-circuited my brain in those all too predictable and awfully awkward situations that only ever arise at Christmas time;
When you bumped into an ex, or any other past romantic attachment;
1. Oh hi!... Er ... Sorry Harry isn't it?
2. You never did renew that gym membership then?
3. This is Bjorn, my tantric sex instructor (when standing next to any hot man!)
4. Don't worry about your hairline, some women see baldness as a sign of virility.
5. I'm really busy right now, can I ignore you some other time.
When they try and get you into bed, "cos its Christmas"
1. Him: Is this seat empty?
You: Yes, and this one will be as well if you sit there.
2. Him: Your place or mine?
You: Both! You're going to your place, I'm going to mine!
3: Him: Hey come on, its Christmas, we're both here for the same reason...
You: Yep! To pick up chicks!
4. Him: I can tell you want me...
You: You're right- I want you to go away!
When you see the ex with someone new...
1. Its great that "little problem" didn't stop you finding someone new.
2. I'm so impressed by people who do work in the community.
3. I LOVE that 'obvious roots' look.
4. Its so brave continuing the trailer-trash look out of season
5. Why so fed up? You haven't slept with him already have you?
6. Those trousers look great on you- don't you think boot-cut is so flattering when you're pear-shaped?
7. Oh sweet- you've got matching moustaches.
8. Gosh- whens it due?
Don't let the Christmas cheer get the better of you, despite what all the films tell us, that someone will come crashing into our life like the best Christmas present of all time, and sweep us off our feet- your boss is not that person! And neither is the boy who used to sit on the back of your school bus. Wear the worst Christmas jumper, your biggest pants and protect yourself from becoming your own worst enemy!